Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Eyes wide open

I know. It was a horrible movie. It just seems to fit my current outlook.

So since my last post ive been examining my life alot.

Fear led most of my life. Always afraid to let people see the real me. Instead they always saw the person i wanted them to see.

For example: My old friend Kristo, the type of gay man i always wished i had the courage to be. I never told him the truth about myself. i always just said and did what i thought he wanted me to do. After of year of following him around like a puppy i finally stood up for myself and let out all my repressed anger about my friendship with him. The next week the company we both worked for went under and he cast me away, like trash. Someone i would have done anything for( and at times i did) just discards me, erased me as his friend from myspace and facebook and changes his phone. I was destroyed. more hurt from what he did to me than losing my job. Pathetic.... i know.

Now with my new outlook on life i realized that had i just been myself, been Adam maybe he would have like me just the same. Ill never know.

Im happier now than i have been in years. His loss.

This big Gay flamer is brighter than ever and no one will ever dim my light again.

Still fat........still a big old geek.........still a Big Silly Homo

and if you don't like me. Your loss.

At peace,
Adam aka Girlina Queen of the Universe

Monday, November 16, 2009

New Hope

I have been hit with a profound dream.

I was at a party and there were these cute gay men across the party and when they see me they beehive it over towards me. i run and go lock myself in my room. they knock and knock and knock until i answer but i wouldn't open door all the way. the three men were stunning perfect men. They kept trying to get me to join in there festivities but i wouldn't. Finally they get me to join in.....there was music but i didn't see what we were doing all i know is after we were all naked and spooning.

Ill let you fill in that blank.

so were all there spooning and none of them are looking at me with disgust. then it trailed off into something about me buying up cattle for some farm but that wasn't the part i liked.

That was the first sexual dream i have ever had. Most of the time there nightmares. I know that none of you wanna think of me in a sexual way but i woke up happier than Ive been in years.

When i was 17 i was raped. I told him no over and over again but he wouldn't stop. Since then i get sick every time another man touches me. Im not talking about touching in a sexual talking about touching in general. Any physical contact with another man.

try living life as a 25 year old whos only had that on his list of sexual experiences.

But something happened last night. that dream was something stupid to anyone else but its the first time ive looked at sex as something good. I woke up energized. Showered and shaved and put my walking shoes on. did a few miles on the treadmill and im gunna walk to the bank and walk some errands. Im ready to change my life over a simple dream.

Girlina, Queen of the Universe

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Life update

Hay girls,

So I'm doing to good with my walking.

I'm up to four miles a night, four nights a week.

We have a bow flex and I'm going to start learning how to use it.

Oh and I'm three days without a cigarette. Damn it i want one and I'm alittle bitchy but its one day at a time.

Halloween is upon us and Ive been so busy. i just dropped off one of my costumes to a client tonight. she absolutely loved it. Ill try to post photos soon. Since ive been so busy working on other peoples costumes i didn't make one for myself this year.

The first time in over ten years. Luckily a friend of mine loaned me one of her costumes and im going to be Ogre Fiona from Shrek. Its such a cute costume. I hope everyone has a wonderful Halloween and ill post again after with all the crazy details of my Halloween experience in WeHo.

OMG i feel it necessary to post this vid. this guy is so hot and i wouldn't have just put some deodorant on him i would have done very bad things to him...........Fuck a girl can dream cant she.

Excited and Energetic,

Girlina Queen of the Universe

Monday, October 5, 2009

A walk to remember

So its been a while since I've blogged so i thought id give an update on my trekking.

Ive been walking alot more since i got my new shoes. both me and my brother have gone on walks four times a week. You wouldn't think you'd feel so much better but i truly due. However i had a horrible experience that almost ruined my life on foot.

One night after i had made dinner my brother Justin said he had to go to work and we couldn't do our normal walk. Upset because i really was in the mood to work off dinner and the stress from my day i decided to go it alone. I left my house at 9 o'clock and set off on our normal route. Taking longer strides to try to better my time i made my way along our normal route. At one point when i usually would turn up my street to head back home i decided that i felt really good and wanted to go farther. My first of many mistakes. I continued straight along the street for two miles to the next major light. Turning there i follow the street up past the freeway and over the railroad tracks. i decided to walk along Victoria, a street in Riverside that has orange grooves all along it. It is a historic street in Riverside. my second mistake. after a block on Victoria all the street lights were out. i was making my way in pitch black for about a mile only having the moon to guide myself. starting to feel the fatigue i made my way down a street to a parallel street with more light and started for home. As i made my way back towards the railroad tracks i see alot of lights set up and men working. Shit. I forgot that there working on the railroad tracks. I was a block from my house. I asked the men working if i could cross. i told them how close my home was. They informed me it wouldn't be safe for me to cross and that i would need to make my way around to a street that went under the tracks. Tired, feet starting to hurt and totally thirsty i started to walk around the extra few miles to get back to my home. By this point my brother had returned home and called to see where i had gone. Refusing to give in and ask him to come get me i made my way under the tracks over the freeway and back to my home. At this point i could barely walk. My feet were swollen and exhausted and i finished two large bottles of water( the large 1Qt ones) Its now 12 o'clock. tired beyond belief i went bed. Woke up a few hours later my muscles cramping and hurting in ways I've never felt before.

The next day my brother and i drove the route i had walked and to my brothers shock i had made a seven mile trek. Seven fucking miles. The ridicule from my brother and friends lasted a few days. I deserved it for being so stupid.

I am proud to say that I'm back to walking. only the route that we usually do and I'm feeling better than ever. Ready to continue my trek to a fit lifestyle and happier existence. Hopefully wiser than i was that fateful night.

A ten pounds lighter Homo,

Girlina, Queen of the Universe

Friday, September 11, 2009

A good pair of shoes

I own beautiful dress shoes.

fantastic boots

Kinky high heals

and one pair of tennis shoes????

That's why I'm BIG silly homo. So to help myself and the world that has to see me, i went and got myself a brand new pair of shoes. Running shoes ( which is sad cause there will be no actually running in them.)

My brother Justin and I have begun walking a few days a week. Its not much but we always do a mile at least. However with my old shitty pair of sneakers id be dying half way. The mile course we take around our neighborhood ends with an uphill quarter mile incline. Its not killer but for someone like me it was death, But i did it.

So now with my brand new shoes i was eager to walk again. We did our normal route and even an extra half mile. And the best part, My feet didn't hurt half as much as they did before. There definitely broken in now.

I feel great. Still fat but great.

As the great John Legend says Each day gets Better.

With new hope and a sassy step,

Girlina, Queen of the Universe

Sunday, August 30, 2009

wow i was drunk...

OK. so hmmmmm....

A month ago i planned a party. end of the summer thing.. god know we all needed a drink.

told everybody about it with more that enough time for them to get off work.

Invited around 75 people.

spent a few hundred dollars getting my bar fully stocked with booze i don't even drink but know that other do.


what is wrong with me?

is there a sign above my head that says pathetic loser stay away?

dave and busters would be jealous of my bar.

well waste not want not. i started the evening with my favorite drink. champagne with a splash of pomegranate juice orange juice. i love it. i never get hangovers from champ so thats why its the perfect drink.

three bottles in.......

i ran out of pomegranate juice. but my brothers girlfriend which i totally love, brought some pomegranate liqueur... so i used that instead of juice.

one more bottle in......

i decided to get on facebook and my blog and vent about the atrocity of my party. and later i told everyone in my face book how much i found nerdy guys hot......give it a second.....with EXAMPLES from my former work at the happiest place on earth. also just to mess up my life even more i also gave examples of guys i didnt think were hot. oh the humanity.

this is why all of my party attempts are two months apart. it takes that long to recuperate.

My next major catastrophe is scheduled for the second week of October. A Halloween extravaganza........of maybe 7 people.

i hate my life sometimes.

I hope everyone has a laugh at my expense,

Girlina, Maybe not the Queen of the Universe....Maybe Court Jester.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Recipe for qa good party..................

A buig house with enoughb room for anout a jundred people/

a full bar filled with boooxe that would mnake a profecsionalcbar jeolous.

the lateszdst is musci thatc is awsome.

why is novbody here. ??????????????????????????????????????????????

Isx shte3re a secrety/ .????????????

what dov iv have to do???

doi i have to pay people. ??????

wtf. everytime ti tyhrow a pearty noone shows up[. im three bottle of champagner in to case i baufght. i have a case of beer i got for dreaking games. am i crazy?

Recipe for qa good party..................

Sunday, August 16, 2009


Over the last couple of nights ive noticed that my bed is arranged in such a way to shows how pathetic i realy am.

its a California king (larger than a king) i have pillows and blankets along one side to create this body like shape. When i sleep i snuggle with the pillows. I know this sounds weird but i think this may just help me to realize im alone and want to be with someone.

to test my theory i remade the bed with minimal on it. just a sheet and top sheet and one pillow. went to bed at my normal time. I tossed and turned all night. i could never find a comfortable spot.

the next night i put all my pillows and blankets back onto the bed and i slept a full night without waking.

If there was another person in my bed that i loved would i sleep so well?

Or am i just sad?

i dont know if anyone is reading this but somehow just typing out my inner thoughts helps.

God knows this is cheaper than paying for real therapy

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Fifth wheel: a observation of life

the number five sucks...... just to start things off.

2 is a happy pair..... 4 a group of friends......but five is an awkward number.

I'm beginning to see with more and more frequency that im always the fifth wheel. there's my two best friends who married each other. Now there's my brother who has met the most wonderful girl. then there's me.

just me

without a match


hehe. thats funny.
Im a virgin. i know i know what a weirdo. ive had sex before but it wasnt really by choice ( thats another blog all together) And you know what. I dont care. Do you have too? No! im not straight so its not as if i need to reproduce.

well that was off topic.....back to it then

As i get older i care less and less about finding a mate ( so to speak) i have the most wonderful friends: Matt and Amanda Chavez ( its funny cause neither of them are Latin in any way) Miss Candi: the world best nurse in training who can literally spend a day in high heals (im so jelous), My brother Justin; who ive grown to see that hes been my best friend all my life. the tree branches out further from there but these are my core. my life would be empty without them.

No matter what there are times that it realy sucks to be the one alone. When we go to an amusement park and all the couples get caricatures and then its my turn i always get the same look. Or you go to a restaurant and theres five of us and they cant put you at a four person table so they have to put you at a six person table and theres always that one seat left over. Or your at a crowded movie theather and i have my bag in the seat next to me so i can be comfortable and theres always that person that asks if im saving it for someone and i have to say no.

I constantly see the couples all around me pairing off as if Noah is on his way with the ark.

am i the one left behind? am i the unicorn?

As much as it bothers me i never let anyone else know about it. I always play it off. To them im the token gay guy in the group that is always checking out the fellas, giving out my brand of advice and doing it with gay flair and a quick wit. when really............ i have no idea what im doing. I look out at the world and am completely lost. Think of me as the salmon fighting upriver to get to something, but for me im fighting up river but have no idea what im doing when i get there.

After all of that I may go home to my room alone but i spent the day with my friends so maybe im not realy alone. Maybe im more lucky than i thought. Or not... I have no fucking idea.

God im a whiny bitch.. lol

content in seclusion,
Girlina Queen of the Universe
or just a Big Silly Homo

p.s. Im not a writer. i never was. i never claimed to be. i tend to go in all directions with my blog. im sorry if sometimes its hard to follow me.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

A generation of idiots

So even a 25 year old queen like me knows when you hear "Fame" you think of a school of gay boys and there faghags taking to the street for a showstopping dance number.

Or "Summer Loving" is about two people proving opposites attract while gossiping about there summer flings at school lunch.

The Hills are alive.......
If I only had a heart.....
I’ve Got a Golden Ticket.....
Im just a sweet Transvestite.......
Just a spoon full of sugar......
Somewhere thats greeeeeeeeeennnn.......

These Musicals echo in my mind. Shadows of a childhood filled with fun and fantastic music.

The Queens of generations past had:

Dorothy Dandridge and Pearl Bailey giving us everything they had in Carmen Jones
Yul Brynner asking Deborah Kerr "Shall we dance"
Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds "singing in the rain"

Helllllooooo Dolly....
Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ the Boat.....
I Could Have Danced All Night.....
I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair......

This music inspired them and me.

But what about today

Ive noticed that the musicals of today are either "bad" or "Music of the Past remade"

Bad: "High School Musical 1...2...and OMFG 3"
Remake: "Moulin Rouge"
Bad: "Camp Rock" a bad ripoff of FAME MOTHER FUCKER
Remake: "Chicago"
Bad: "SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER & UNCUT" WTF its technically a musical.
Remake: "Hairspray"
Bad: "The Cheetah Girls" or anything featuring Raven
Remake: "Across the Universe"

Now the remakes are great films dont get me wrong, but there recycled songs being sung by movie stars. Only a small handful can actually sing.

Oh god and the Bads. Disney Pimped musicals thrusted down these kids throats with there horrible music being sung by "?Singers?Actors?" im confused what Disney is trying to make them. Ok one or two of the Jonas Brothers can actually sing well but Come down off the cross boys and be the fagots we all know you really are.

Zach Efron looks like a young Ellen, With his Lesbian haircut. He cant actually sing. He didnt sing half the music in the first HSM. There was another actor Drew Seeley that sang for Zach (while trying to research to remember the guys named i found that Imdb removed his name from there listing of High school Musical. I know it was in the credits for the movie. I remember looking it up and wondering why they didnt have that hot ass guy just play the part and cut Zach. You could tell it wasnt the same voice when the voice went to the higher octave that it wasnt the same voice. re watch the movie girls. DISNEY CONSPIRACY look it up) It was only after the ridiculous fame of HSM that they got the boy lessons and began shaping the music to fit his range.

The Cheetah Girls were already a band that had a cd out and everything. they were "ok" but Disney had to take it a step too far, Placing Raven into there group (Side note they fucking hated her) and making a horrible movie. WHY? thats all i have to say

There is an entire generation of Kids and young adult that wont watch the old classics because there "OLD" so there only source of Musical are cookie cutter BS from the Mouse.

The classics featured People who could sing and dance and act. If they couldn't do that there career didnt go to far. as time progressed if they could sing and act there were golden, a little later they could act or sing and we accepted it. Now.....NOW..... THEY CANT DO EITHER!!!!!

Give us something magical. Wow us with something new and fantastic. We deserve it because we are paying $12.99 for a movie ticket and $29.99 for the DVD then $49.99 for the special edition DVD released two weeks later.

You owe us that.

and oh my F*^%*+G god please dont ruin any more fantastic movies with horrible remakes. Do we need Annie remade ever couple of years or what. Fame is a classic Please GOD dont let them ruin it or ill have to slit my wrist in front of Graumans chinese theater.

With a watchful eye Disney,

Girlina Queen of the Universe

Monday, June 15, 2009

Gay Super Geeks: The Middle path

So. I know that there are gay geeks out there.

I am one of them. there are websites for them to congregate and talk about gay geeky things.

However i have found that I'm not accepted by them either. I'm a big queen with serious issues, no doubt.

I love Star trek, Stargate,Babylon 5, Doctor who, Firefly, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Starcraft, Terry Brooks Books, Civilization and most of all World of Warcraft. this list could go on forever of the extremely non gay geeky things i love.

Then there's my Gay side. Wicked (stage and book), Little shop, Rent ( not so much the movie), guys and Dolls, Zannadont, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Ecstasy, Trance music, Champagne, Dance clubs, Makeup, Wigs, A fabulous outfit, Bondage, S&M (especially electricity play) and on and on and on.....

I am Gay and a Geek. Then why is it sometimes i feel that i don't belong to either world.


In WOW (World of Warcraft), a Massively multiplayer online role-playing game or MMORPG, I play as a female blood elf Paladin. I'm a good player, I'm almost lvl 80 the max level. I'm in a guild (large group of players under a common flag) but when they find im a gay man instead of a female, people get very uncomfortable. My guild mates will call each other "fag" and "gay bastard" like normal straight guys do which doesnt bother me but then theyll realize im there and freakout and be silent it sucks. I went to see Star Trek, waited in line all day long, first one in line, But when they heard me talking about how HOT Spock was no one would talk to me the rest of the day. I love playing those simple application games on Myspace like Mobster and Fashion Wars. My name on Mobsters is "Adam The Big Queen" i have like no friends on there and i get attack all the time. ive had guys attack me for hours calling me faggot and never letting me leave the ingame hospital.

And for the other side.....

Im at a club, getting my dance on with my girlfriends. Were all having tons of fun and some boy comes up and starts talkin to me......he was adorable......he asked why hes never seen me there before and i joked that Doctor who season finale was the week before. My girlfriends are laughing since its so clearly a joke and he straight out turns and walked away. later in the night i walked passed and he was giggling to his other twinky friends and looking at me. Im in Longbeach for work, Its very casual dress, so i was wearing my Harrypotter Tshirt with a overshirt, a cute vest and my favorite pageboy cap. I was adorable. I decide to stop at this little cafe on Broadway. The Gays in the Cafe kept staring at me and when i went window shopping next door the clerk made a joke about my tshirt. im thinking in my head "FUCK YOU BITCH. Gryphindore is so my house" but i paid for my sunglasses and left silent and alone.

Those websites for gay geeks are all well and good but i prefer to be out and about with people. I can talk to a person for hours but send me an IM online and i dont know what to say.

I try to keep remembering the lessons of a wise gay i once knew named Kristo of LongBeach who told me " Who gives a flying fuck what those cunts think about you. You get out there and do your shit. You tell them to Choose a nut to suck cause you have two" more poignant words have never been spoken. I do try to follow his teaching but i find that i do care what they think i cant help but see people looking at me and my mind goes off on all the horrible things there saying about me. Its who i am.

This is who i am. No matter what anyone trys to teach me or force me into. I cant change for the world. Ive tried for years. Its time for the word to change to me.

This BIG BITCH is going to continue to be the Big silly Homo who loves her Geeky men and the shows they watch. Either love me or move out the way.

Live Long and Prosper,

Girlina Queen of the Universe and Azeroth ( look it up bitches)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The joys of Marriage

So my cousin got married yesterday. was great..........i love weddings...........throw up on floor.

Weddings are the worst waste of my time.

His wedding was a formal affair at a country club. I got all fabulous in a nice suit and my hair was workin. we get there and half the people there were in casual dress. the fucking invite said formal. There was a guy with jeans and green fucking hair. Nightmare.

the service was quick thank god but it started 45 minutes late. as the Bride and Groom were walking down the isle afterwards there were already drinks waiting for them and the bridal party at there request?????? Boozhounds??????? The bride goes to hug the waiter holding the tray of beers and he spills the tray on the train of her dress. The dress that cost her parents $10,000. It was the most beautiful dress but jesus 10k. i need to start making wedding dresses.

Everyone always get upset with me at weddings because I'm not jumping for joy for the couple.


Gay people make the dresses, do the makeup, do the hair, plan the wedding, make the cake, cook the food, serve the food, mix the drinks, DJ the event.......and on and on and on.......

We do all the work so that some silly drunks can enjoy the benefits. These people plan these huge weddings, stay married for a few years, divorce then get remarried.

the christian right say they have to protect Marriage for a man and a women. It they want to keep it holy. OUTLAW DIVORCE!!

lets see how those fuckers like marriage if they can only do it once.

watch the accidental rate of death of husbands dramatically go up.

I hate weddings.

but god knows i have mine all planned out in my head just like a 12 year old girl.


Girlina Queen of the Universe

Friday, June 12, 2009

Suicide the other option

A friend of mine yesterday told me her friend committed suicide. I never met the guy but she said how sweet he was. He did himself in with Cyanide. For those of you who don't know cyanide is a very horrible and painful way to die. How much pain must he have been in? That pain must have been so great and the pain he endured in death was nothing in comparison.

I started thinking about the times i tried to kill myself and how it changed my life.

The first time i was a teenager. fully realized that i was gay. 6'3'' .tall and very overweight. I was going to a brand new school. just opened and i was going to be in the first graduating class. It was horrible. I didn't know anyone, those i did speak to always looked at me as if i don't fit in. Half way thru the year i put my fathers gun in my mouth. i couldn't figure out why that damn thing wouldnt work. tears pouring down my cheeks, frustrated and scared i put it away and went to sleep. I found out a few weeks later that it wasn't an operating gun. it was a real gun converted to not fire. I was so pathetic i couldn't kill myself right.

school continued on at a snails pace and i reached my senior year. having told only my closest friends about being gay i started to feel better. i allowed myself to come out and be a better person. to explore what being a queen is all about. i did theater, not acting really just costumes. sewing made me happy.

I finally graduated and began college in Fullerton Ca. I was a Costuming major. I thought to myself, "even though your still a big gay boy, your in theater with a bunch of other gay boys you will make lots of friends." Sadly that was not the case. One of the only friends i made was a goth girl in my theatrical makeup class. Just imagine a big game boy and a short round goth girl walking to class every day with our makeup cases. we were a odd pair.

It was while walking to class one day alone that i had my first and only anti gay experience. While walking down an alleyway on the way to school i was attacked. The group of guys screamed insults while kicking me in the stomach and face only Scared off by a car alarm going off down the alley. I was alone bleeding and crying. I skipped class and returned home where I stayed for a few days, hiding the bruises that had appeared all over my torso and legs. using what horrible makeup skill i had to cover my face. i spent the next three weeks in utter fear and loneliness. my only friend trying to help. At this same time i worked for the mouse. Mickey Mouse. jackass. I was called a faggot under my breath a few times at work for wearing makeup. Dealing with that was easier than having people ask where the bruises came from. I couldn't take it anymore. Angry at the world and sad at how pathetic i was i took a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of alcohol. ( for every ones reference it doesn't work that easy. just because you see it on TV doesn't mean it will happen that way in real life) i was sick for a week. throwing up all the pills, told my mother it was the flu.

Two times. both unsuccessful. Does that make me a two time loser or Someone who had a guardian angel looking out for me?

We think about suicide because we think there no other options. what we don't think about is the lives we've touched and how our deaths will affect theres. No one dies alone. someone always dies a little inside when someone they love leaves the world that way. Its selfish and i try to stay strong and say as much. i try to say that those people were weak and just plain selfish but inside i understand that feeling. The feeling that there is no one in the world and that loves you.

Trust me, As a 25 year old practicly virgin who's overweight and has serious body issues i can say I'm so glad i was unsuccessful. I have some of the greatest friends that love me for who i am, I have parents that said they always knew and who are so proud of everything i do. including how fabulous i look in drag. If i had done myself in either of those times i would have missed out on all of that.

The road to becoming a queen is a hard one. NO ONE is born a queen. It is thru our experiences and struggles in life that hardens our skin and make us who we are. It is thru our struggles that remind us of how great we are. how lucky we are to call ourselves QUEENS. Im gunna tell you right now that no word like faggot, no foot in my chest, no unapproving gay boys, and especially not those self hating gay men who call themselves republicans can every take away who i am.


With much love,

Girlina QUEEN of the Universe

Thursday, June 11, 2009

First Time Blogger.

Hay queens.

This is the first time i experement with Blogging. I can talk to a person for hours about the most useless shit but I have trouble writing emails.


So to remedy myself of my problem i thought why not blog about the radomness of my life.

BIG SILLY HOMO is a place for queens of all types to hear me bitch about shit. If you dont like it you can fuck right off.


Girlina Queen of the Universe