Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Eyes wide open

I know. It was a horrible movie. It just seems to fit my current outlook.

So since my last post ive been examining my life alot.

Fear led most of my life. Always afraid to let people see the real me. Instead they always saw the person i wanted them to see.

For example: My old friend Kristo, the type of gay man i always wished i had the courage to be. I never told him the truth about myself. i always just said and did what i thought he wanted me to do. After of year of following him around like a puppy i finally stood up for myself and let out all my repressed anger about my friendship with him. The next week the company we both worked for went under and he cast me away, like trash. Someone i would have done anything for( and at times i did) just discards me, erased me as his friend from myspace and facebook and changes his phone. I was destroyed. more hurt from what he did to me than losing my job. Pathetic.... i know.

Now with my new outlook on life i realized that had i just been myself, been Adam maybe he would have like me just the same. Ill never know.

Im happier now than i have been in years. His loss.

This big Gay flamer is brighter than ever and no one will ever dim my light again.

Still fat........still a big old geek.........still a Big Silly Homo

and if you don't like me. Your loss.

At peace,
Adam aka Girlina Queen of the Universe

Monday, November 16, 2009

New Hope

I have been hit with a profound dream.

I was at a party and there were these cute gay men across the party and when they see me they beehive it over towards me. i run and go lock myself in my room. they knock and knock and knock until i answer but i wouldn't open door all the way. the three men were stunning perfect men. They kept trying to get me to join in there festivities but i wouldn't. Finally they get me to join in.....there was music but i didn't see what we were doing all i know is after we were all naked and spooning.

Ill let you fill in that blank.

so were all there spooning and none of them are looking at me with disgust. then it trailed off into something about me buying up cattle for some farm but that wasn't the part i liked.

That was the first sexual dream i have ever had. Most of the time there nightmares. I know that none of you wanna think of me in a sexual way but i woke up happier than Ive been in years.

When i was 17 i was raped. I told him no over and over again but he wouldn't stop. Since then i get sick every time another man touches me. Im not talking about touching in a sexual talking about touching in general. Any physical contact with another man.

try living life as a 25 year old whos only had that on his list of sexual experiences.

But something happened last night. that dream was something stupid to anyone else but its the first time ive looked at sex as something good. I woke up energized. Showered and shaved and put my walking shoes on. did a few miles on the treadmill and im gunna walk to the bank and walk some errands. Im ready to change my life over a simple dream.

Girlina, Queen of the Universe